February

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This has been a week of big feelings without time to write about it. I wrote a full page of frustrations the other morning and I’ve had a few ideas but everything comes out bitter and tired.  

Yesterday, I tried to write about last weekend and the week that followed (basically a hard swing between four days of fun and family time to four days of work Work WORK) and it gave me pause.  My “favourite” self-flagellation topics include never getting anything done, being terrible at email, moodiness, saying too much, not speaking up, not being like other people...but yesterday’s writing showed me that I was great at almost all of those things last weekend. I need to pay more attention to the good stuff. When I’m tired, I pick at the old scabs.  

Forty three is a hormonal wasteland for me.  Moods happen, they’ve always happened, and I can now almost predict a hard downswing mid-cycle.  Add to that persistent mid-life questions about what I’m doing with my life, what I’ve done with my life and who will care...it’s easy to get down a rabbit hole. Counseling helps. Sunshine helps (especially with Lulu). Laughing with my husband helps.  Family time helps, even if it’s just a quick message or a photo. Good books help. Good music helps. Knitting with lots of colour while watching good shows helps. Changing my perspective helps. Taking stock of good outcomes at the end of my work day helps. Making plans for trips helps. 

But sometimes it’s just really ******* hard to get out of bed.



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