Keep Being Brave

I’m writing this on my phone in the back of our car. We’re on a road trip today to celebrate my mother in law’s birthday and we’re en route to pick up my Mum. It’ll be a day of fresh air and I’ve got my fingers crossed for a lobster roll at some point. I’ll take over driving when we get to Mum’s in an hour or so...so I’ve got time to fit in another post before the end of the month.  . I signed up for the blog course with full intentions of writing eight posts and participating in the community. I was going to read every post, respond thoughtfully and take everything on board. The last few months have been full of lessons and one of the biggest has been to be prepared to adjust my expectations. Looking back on the month, I’m pleased I finally wrote something about my grief. Even without writing another word, that post was worth it. And I can still read and respond to everyone’s posts, I’ll just be a little late. It was wonderful to hear from people after my last post and to learn what t

Mother’s Day was so much better this year.  Four years ago, I sobbed in the car because someone paid for my tea.  I pulled up to the drive-thru window with a smile on my face and then the server told me the driver had paid and wished me a great Mother’s Day.    It felt like someone had ripped the bark right off me.  I did not qualify. I had failed to qualify.  In an alternate timeline, I would have been 7.5 months pregnant and delighted; that tea would have made me feel seen, recognized.    Instead, I had been mistaken for something I wasn’t and reminded of the previous November’s loss. Now I had suddenly lost Mother’s Day, too.   Three years ago, I thought I was ready.    My second pregnancy had ended six months earlier and we’d come closer than anyone would like to losing me, too.    Pregnancy number two had an ultrasound photo as proof. I remembered hearing the heartbeats. It was happening. And then. Bang. Happened.  There had been other joys and sorrows by Mother’s Day, but I was s